My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
