When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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