i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
50% drunk capacity currently
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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