life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
