Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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