My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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