Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
