There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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