I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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