new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
