It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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