Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
