My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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