it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
