i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
