Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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