You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
