He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
only you would photoshop your dick
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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