I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
