just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
