i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize