you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
