she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You took a bar mat shot.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
