every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize