On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
