hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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