don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
