cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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