I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
