I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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