3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
