I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
