I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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