You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
