i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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