If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
