I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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