I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
