so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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