mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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