Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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