never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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