living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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