chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
