Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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