how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
