i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
