I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize