Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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