I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
