Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
