Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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