Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
