I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
