I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
