In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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