I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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