Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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