6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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