Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
