Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
