I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
