I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
someone owes me an orgasm
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
